‘Footy’s back, Footy’s here again’. It’s that time of year when football fans eagerly anticipate the fate of their two teams: their AFL side and their fantasy football side. Through shrewd scouting and drafting, enthusiastic punters will assemble a team which aims to see them crowned king or queen of their league.
So what would happen if there was an EPW “Fantasy” Ultimate Wrestling League? Which wrestlers would you draft into your team? Well, wonder no more because here is your opportunity. Allow me, if you will, to channel my inner Howard Finkel because “now here are the rules”.
- Each team must consist of Three (3) Singles wrestlers and One (1) Team from the list below
- Each wrestler will be allocated a certain amount of “Fantasy Points” (FP) and you will have a maximum of thirty (30) points to spend on your team
So, without further ado, if I may beg your indulgence, it’s time to assemble my own dangerous alliance.
Pick 1 – EPW Coastal Champion Scotty Ryan – 8 Points (8)
With the first pick in any fantasy competition, you’re looking for the best pick. Whether it’s a salary cap of cash or points, or it’s a league where each player is drafted to one team only, you don’t want to waste your first pick. You pick the cornerstone of your team. That’s why I chose Scotty Ryan. Ryan’s star is on the rise and unlike cryptocurrency, it doesn’t look to be dipping anytime soon. If you’re in “Keeper League” (a league where you can choose to retain a player throughout multiple seasons), Scotty is the logical choice as this is a man that you can build your foundation on for years to come.
Ryan has been on a tear since winning the EPW Coastal Championship. Taking on all comers and all situations, ‘The Big Rig’ keeps on mowing challengers down. On March 11, EPW at The Aberdeen, Scotty Ryan faces ‘The World Beater’ Damian Slater. Whilst Slater will have a fire in the belly, reeling from his loss in the Hot Summer’s Night epic main event, I’m backing Ryan to retain his championship and justify his first-round selection.
Pick 2 – THEM (Bobby Marshall, Azazal and Billy Williams) – 7 Points (15)
Every alliance needs a dominant team. THEM ensure that you can impose your will in any way you see fit. The three men re-emerged at Hot Summer’s Night and left a trail of destruction in their wake. It was downright scary how brutal these men were. Bobby Marshall has a history of success and insanity – a unique combination. Azazal has always been off the wall, but it seems there is a more vicious, unhinged element to the way he’s acting now. Billy Williams is cool calm and collected, appearing to have these two monsters willing to take his lead. These men would be your ‘burst’ players; impactful and game-changing.
There may be more naturally gifted teams on the roster. There may be teams who have more heart and more fighting spirit. However, if you are lining up all the teams in EPW and asking me which one I would not want to cross, the answer is simple – it’s THEM!
Pick 3 – Taylor King – 6 Points (21)
Double-dipping may be frowned upon when you’re out in Perth sharing tapas. However, if I’m paying fifty dollars for six corn chips and a bottle cap full of guacamole, you can bet you’re a-double-crooked letter that I’m going in twice for that sweet guac. So, if I’m only getting thirty points, I’m double-dipping on rising stars. King was looking very impressive at Hot Summer’s Night but was wanting to gloat a bit too much when he had the ascendency. There comes a time when ‘The Child Star’ needs to figure out whether he wants to be entertaining, or whether he wants to win matches. Ideally, he would mix it all together and find the best of both worlds.
There’s no doubting the raw talent though. So, with an eye to the future of EPW, I’m picking Taylor King and taking a punt on him to make the climb up the rankings.
Pick 4 – Tyler Jacobs – 7 Points (28)
Rounding out my team is the enlightened veteran of EPW, Tyler Jacobs. Jacobs’ professional wrestling resume speaks for itself. Even the most revered of champions can tweak their game to maintain, or even exceed, their own performance standards. Take 2008, when Matthew Richardson was moved to a new position on the wing and almost stormed home to win the AFL’s Brownlow medal. For Jacobs, his change is attitudinal as he follows the teachings and ways of his mysterious book. We are yet to find out what this book is and what it is that it’s teaching the former Headhunter. However, it’s safe to say he doesn’t appear to be an ‘Eat. Pray. Love.’ sort of guy.
What we do know is that Jacobs has a lot of credits in the bank. Not content with resting on his laurels, he has turned to his good book to propel him forward. I think there is an exciting period coming up for Tyler Jacobs so I’m picking him to round out my all-star team.
So, there is my fantasy team of ravenous cougars, ready to hunt down the rest of the EPW roster. If I may ignore Kendrick Lamar and forfeit my humility, I think I’ve done a pretty darn good job of it. This is a squad that would dominate any competition.
But, do you think you can do better? We want to see the team that you would assemble. Post your team along with your reasons for picking them on our Facebook page and share our link for March 11’s EPW at The Aberdeen Hotel. The best team as judged by us will score two free tickets to EPW at The Aberdeen Hotel. Let’s see how many fantasy Kings and Queens we have out here; with a roster as stacked as EPW’s, there can be no dunce coaches.
Eric McFarland is a pop culture obsessed, sports loving, pro wrestling tragic.